


Bolas' Christmas Carol

by Carliro



Category: Magic: The Gathering
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Inspired by A Christmas Carol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-01 15:33:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2778359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carliro/pseuds/Carliro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bolas meets four characters he'd rather not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bolas' Christmas Carol

Once upon a time there lived an ugly and evil and devil elder dragon named Nicol Bolas. He was so evil that he appeared in every storyline in an uncalled manner, and he was so ugly that his chin turned people into lithosexuals. He was sitting in his meditation realm, when an evil wailing appeared about.

 

"Your presence here amuses me" he said meanly and sarcastically, "to what I owe your visit!"

 

Then the ghost appeared. It was.......................................TETSUO UMEZAWA!

 

"Blasted old serpent, you ruined my afterlife!" said the old character MADLY, "Now everyone forgot how I killed you, so I will send three ghosts to torment you until you lose your mind!"

 

"Pfft, whatever" said Bolas, negating him away.

 

The, suddenly, a bright white light that melted Bolas' eyes off appeared. He couldn't see anymore, but an image appeared in the rotten, vacated eye sockets full of pus and maggots.

 

"Evil one, I shall show you images of the past to break your foul spirit!" said Radiant, who had a clawed hand in her hand.

 

Then images appeared in Bolas' mind: the loss of his life at the hands of Tetsuo Umezawa, the loss of his body at Leshrac's hands, the loss of his power in the Mending.

 

"Relish in these moments, ancient serpent, relish your pain and suffering!" cackled Radiant, punching her imaginary kidneys.

 

"So how's the afterlife treating you?" Bolas asked, nonchalantly.

 

"What? No, feel the pain!" said angrily the compleated angel.

 

"Dear, I ALWAYS feel that pain, I ALWAYS live those moments in my thoughts. Did you honestly not consider the possibility that my previous defeats wouldn't haunt me, wouldn't motivate me towards perfection? Because I'm sad to say that such is the case. Except not sad, really, more angry and bitter. So, once again, how is your afterlife treating you? Does the realisation of you becoming the very thing you once fought against bother you? Did the series of frankly hilarious traumas you've faced haunt you? Please, I'm dying to know."

 

Radiant then yelled, and tore herself to shreds, dying. Again. The light restored his eyes to normal, but suddenly a green glow began to flood his domain. From it came Xenagos. Irritated, Bolas tried to erase him from existence with an aether spell, but Xenagos merely laughed.

 

"Foolish dragon, behold your current follies!"

 

Images then appeared in the sky, showing Tezzeret planning to kill his master, Sarkhan's adventures in Tarkir, Liliana's bad mouthing and Ramaz spitting dead fish at an idol of the dragon.

 

"Your impudence and carelessness has cost you all your precious little pawns!" gloated Xenagos, rubbing his horns with a strange lotion.

 

"So how are your nyxborn and satyrs? Remembering you fondly I presume?"

 

Xenagos said nothing, and disappeared. Just as Bolas was relaxing, a shadow began to cover all of his realm. From the darkness emerged a strange, cloaked figure, almost as large as Bolas himself.

 

"Let me guess, you're going to show me my future failings" Bolas said, part impatient and part fantasising about how to pettily destroy this new opponent.

 

The figure shook its head, then pointed its cloaked left arm.

 

"Goat balls" it said, with a strange and fell voice like the sound of the air passing through the hairs in a bovid's nether regions.

 

Bolas' features then darkened. ALl his cool was lost, and he focused all his mana to cast murderous flesh rotting spells, mind rotting spells, aether magic and just sheer physical destruction, it but was all shrugged off like water drops on a raincoat.

 

"Goat balls" said the figure once more, amused.

 

"Begone!" Bolas shouted, infusing his voice with magic, but failing miserably once more.

 

"Goat balls!" the figure said, as if retraining itself from laughing.

 

Bolas whimpered, and began to feel atypically weak. For the first time, he was beginning to feel genuine, crippling fear.

 

"Goat balls! Goat balls! GOAT BALLS!" said the figure, rising in power and fervor of its voice.

 

"Get away from me!" said Bolas, beginning to whimper.

 

"GOAT BALLS GOAT BALLS GOAT BALLS!" continued the figure, chanting higher and higher.

 

"Please, just leave!" Bolas cried, hastily curling his tail around himself and expanding his wings franticaly.

 

"GoatballsgoatballsgoatballsgoatballsgoatballsgoatballsgoatballsgoatballsgoatballsGOATBALLS!" cackled the figure madly and hysterically.

 

At that point Bolas was so terrified that the blood stopped cold in his veins, and he fainted. He felt nausea and began to vomit black blood and bile, then his esophagus lining, then his viscerae. Finally, with tears running down his squamous faces, Bolas willed himself to die, and he did so. At last, the ugly menace was dead forever, never to return.

 

Sorin took out his cloak and smoked a joint.

 

"What a beautiful vacation spot" he said, enjoying the meditation realm.


End file.
